I’ve been apartment/sublet hunting on Craigslist, which in and of itself is an exercise in high anxiety management. Before I explore the curious menagerie of sadness that is the Craigslist housing section, I like to first sedate myself with at least one Benadryl. It’s similar to how you would sedate a dog before you take him to the vet, except I don’t require my Benadryl to be covered in peanut butter, but I do prefer it that way.

I’ll confess that I am somewhat of a naturally anxious person, but not in the gross trendy way where I advertise it to others because I crave attention, then brag about my Xanax prescription to my fellow Urban Outfitters coworkers. I deal with my anxiety like any respectable American would: by sweating through a few layers of clothing then going in a bathroom stall to check twitter on my phone for ten minutes.

However running across these highly distressing posts in the my quest for a reasonable 3-4 month sublet tested me even more than the time I got separated from my mom in a Stein Mart when I was 7. After seeing each of these I had to close my laptop, draw the shades, drink a little Nyquil, and practice my deep breathing exercises until I self soothed into a nap.

BONUS: Here are some other living arrangements I’ve found in my quest for a place in LA.

Rent the bathroom of a Glendale Starbucks during non business hours for $900 a month, utilities not included. You must perform all janitorial work yourself. 3 month minimum lease and security deposit

$1350 for a sizeable furnished one bedroom in Beverly Hills except, your Russian landlord has hidden cameras throughout the apartment and broadcasts the feed on the web for a monthly subscription fee.

More horrifying internet tragedies to come…